A few weeks ago I wrote something… that I’ve now titled, “Broken Pieces, Tender Mercies” …I had decided not to share it …as Dave thinks it’s ‘dark’ and not like me, and that may just be because we have been apart for more than 9 weeks while Dave is on a work project, with at least another four weeks away, before he comes home. *Smile* It is unlike most of the writing I do share.
Although I do struggle with depression almost constantly, and decided two years ago not to take anti-depressants ever again, with the support of my doctor, because of how negatively I am affected by them physically, I have found other ways to be optimistic and happy, and choose to find joy through gratitude.
The biggest struggle for me, when I am challenged by depression, is the debilitating physical weakness that has resulted from a chronic illness with no medical treatment available… and feeling loved… and even that I could be loveable.
I hope that “Broken Pieces, Tender Mercies” is considered deeply thought provoking, and have decided to share it, because I have been asked to. As I have struggled with heartache, and an almost constant feeling of sadness this year… living with life shattering consequences as a result of choices not of my own, struggling daily to pick up the broken pieces of our lives, that were impossible to fit together or repair, writing this has been truly healing, as I have felt deeply comforted and loved, especially during the past few weeks.
I hope that those who asked that I share “Broken Pieces, Tender Mercies” will find a measure of hope and comfort. I hope that those who choose to read it will find something unique and special…
Heartbreak and Heartache is not depression or anxiety.
Although heartache may cause depression and anxiety, it can’t be fixed with pills and therapy… even though they may ease the symptoms and pain… for a period of time.
Heartbreak in my experience is caused by a gut wrenching, deeply painful completely unexpected event and experience that often has no rhythm or reason… and sometimes just can’t be understood. It can feel like a vice is holding your chest and you can’t breathe at times… and the weight of which can paralyse you, leaving you motionless without any sense of time… losing time, for sometimes hours.
Family and friends, often can’t help as they struggle with their own emotions and challenges… and may not even notice the depth of what you are feeling.
Heartache is often just sadness.
Not depression. Not negative thinking. Not hopelessness.
Sometimes it’s helplessness and the inability to accept what has happened… it’s being unable to understand or comprehend the nature of what’s happened or why. Knowing that there is nothing you can do.
Just time… to accept.
Its tragedy that paralyzes us for a time… and it hurts so much we can’t imagine ever not feeling so hurt and sad.
At times the heartache I have felt, just overwhelms me with sadness.
It’s not explainable… or fixable… or ignorable.
It just is… sadness.
To be endured for a time.
Sometimes to do nothing… and just
Allow my own feelings. Allow myself to be.
Sometimes to work through… while doing chores, while working, while completing tasks… while serving and doing for others.
Then the pain eases… and the sadness becomes an ebb and flow, and no longer a constant never ending ache. There is colour threaded through the grey, and hope starts to remind me that the sky is still blue with every sunrise, and flowers still bloom. *Smile*
Saturday, 13th July 2019
Broken pieces…. Tender mercies.
Some extoll we’ll never be challenged beyond our capacity… that’s simply not true.
Some say we can learn what we need alone, and become independent, strong in our own self endeavours… that’s simply a myth.
Some think, all that they’ve earned, all that they have, is because of their own intelligence, and working ethic… that’s just EGO… Edging God Out.
In truth, life can throw us around like a ship in a storm tossed sea, pulling us deep beneath the waves so we feel like we are drowning, heavy laden with emotional burdens and too many responsibilities. Guilt and trauma creating a whirlpool of confusion… beneath a falling sky of only darkened clouds. Sea sick with no hope for dawn.
Unless we look with our heart and see the hand outstretched towards us, ready to pull us out to the light of a new dawn.
In fact, all we learn is through the relationships we share… it’s the one’s we trust and love who hurt us the most, break our hearts and shatter our innocence… questioning our faith… and belief in others. Over… and over… and over again.
Unless we look with our heart and see ourselves, mirroring what we’ve learned, perpetuated habits through each generation. Only we can choose to follow another… footsteps on a different path.
Like a woman walking to complete her daily tasks, splashed with mud by a passing car… does she choose to curse and shout obscenities, does she damn the world and her bad luck, does she wonder at the unfairness of life…
Or does she give thanks for the reminder of the blessing of rain, nature’s gift to replenish the earth… a pause from the many responsibilities of her life, and celebrating the moment, she waves and smiles at the (un)contrite driver of the car, laughing out loud at their very confused stare. Maybe humbled by unlearned behaviour, they respond with a shrug and, an unsure wave back.
Life we understand is in the details… the little differences we choose to make.
Sometimes life breaks our heart with such purposefulness, we just can’t stand it. Anxiety, depression, stress… just worldly terms that don’t mean anything… until we alone experience it.
Even surrounded by those we love.
Despite the sun rising each day.
Even imagined can feel more than real.
What we believe, all caused by those we care for the most, the love we feel and want to give them.
The negative list of worldly entrapment… is absolute… and endless.
Like a favourite vase shattered into pieces, the hurts of life like the shards can slice us… in the moment… and even pierce our heart through each painful memory, sometimes forgotten… then remembered again. The wounds of our hurt, barely scarred over… before they burst open… again… and again… and over again. .
Like the seasons of a favourite series… on continuous replay.
Will the tale of hurt and drama never end… or always be, a perpetual cliff-hanger.
The healing in a retold story… an ancient tradition of ordinary broken bowls and cracked shattered plates, used every day for common use.
Normally we would simply discard the pieces, replacing by buying new.
There are some who see… completely differently.
True creators that understand the process of taking what they already have, the broken pieces and from the Refiner’s fire, the purest gold… binding them together to recreate the most extraordinary beauty.
Kintsugi… golden repair.
No matter our broken hearts and shattered lives, our Saviour Jesus Christ, still treasures us beyond measure. His blood spilt through His eternal Atonement can heal our heart and repair our lives, creating profound grace.
Unique… personal blessings.
Strength. Protection. Consolation. Forgiveness.
Understanding. Assurance. Guidance.
Faith. Support. Companionship. Friendship.
Tender Mercies… from our Lord, woven through our heart and our life… like the finest purest gold.
Tender Mercies…. from our Saviour, persistence and fortitude through the seasons of difficulty… courage and companionship through the deepest despair… personal confidence and cheerfulness through physical limitations and chronic illness.
Tender Mercies… from our Redeemer, forgiveness and grace in every mistake, peace of conscience through humble repentance and His loving kindness that brings us healing and joy, enlightened contentment.
Tender Mercies… endurance with grace, beyond our own capacity, because He loves us eternally… knows us with empathy… understands us completely.
His tender mercies… like veins of the purest gold, heals our broken heart and makes us whole… imperfectly perfect.
Beautiful. Special. Unique.
Beloved Daughters of God, with Hearts of Gold.
© Mandy Swinburne
Kintsugi… golden repair
Kintsugi, is the Japanese art of repairing broken ceramics and pottery with gold, to create a treasured artwork of beauty… celebrating imperfection and impermanence.