Dear Brother ~ One More Light

Jesus taught: “Judge not, that ye be not judged.”
~ Matthew 7:1

Jess wrote this in the morning when she heard Chester Bennington had died…  her and her brother’s favourite singer. Although it’s been months, and despite how many times I’ve read it… it still makes me emotional each time I read it.

Although, we were unsure of whether to share it and publish it or not… since it is so relevant to the scripture, “Judge not, that ye be not judged.” ~ Matthew 7:1 ….we decided we should.

It does need to be read all the way to the end.

Thursday, 20th July 2017

Dear Brother

Today, one of my favourite singers died. I cried. I thought about the tour he would never go on. The moments with his children he would never have. The grandchildren he would never meet.
And then I laughed. And then I cried some more. But this time, I was crying for a different reason.

You see, Chester Bennington had lived a very eventful 41 years, with 7 albums across his 21 years with Linkin Park. I love his songs. Breaking the Habit is my favourite.

The chorus goes:
“I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I instigate
And say what I don’t mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I know it’s not alright
So I’m breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit tonight”

These words have always spoken to me, and I’ve certainly been listening to them for long enough.

This morning, as they played their way through my head, on repeat as I showered, I thought of you. And of myself.

And I laughed. And then cried some more.

My friend Chester had been candid about his struggles with substance abuse for many years. I know for a fact that those very words are about just that.

I suppose it’s not particularly unusual to not condemn a complete stranger for actions you deem unacceptable, the same actions you have condemned those close to you for. After all, the stranger’s actions have not caused me pain, broken my heart and affected my life.

But, are you not so much more in need of my love and forgiveness?

I do love you. So much. I love your smile. Your infectious laugh. How you always want to spend time with me, watching movies or talking about art. How I read your old books and we treasured them together. The way your friends have always loved me.

I also resent you. I resent the backlash your actions have caused. I resent the tears you have made me cry. I resent the grey hairs you have given our parents. I resent the condemnation I have received because of your actions, from the same people who treat you like gold.

It’s your personality, I know. You are charismatic and infectious, boisterous and kind. Loving and non-judgmental.

Some days I think I have forgiven you. And then I hear your voice on the phone, and know I still need to work through my anger.

My stomach turns, my vision blurs. I run away. I can’t listen to your voice. I avoid my computer for hours after. I don’t talk to our parents. I don’t ask how you are. I clench my fists and turn away from my feelings.

Such dark feelings.

I don’t want to face my own resentment. I feel it is justified… And yet I hate it.

I hate the way I feel when I remember being told that what you were suffering was as much a disease as my own debilitating illness. It hurts, because while I have never drunk alcohol, smoked or taken recreational drugs, I suffer an illness I don’t deserve and symptoms I didn’t ask for.

Meanwhile, you have done almost every bad thing you could to your body… with seemingly hardly a consequence.

I remember you once said to me, “You have no social skills.” You really couldn’t have chosen a worse thing to say to me. I had spent two years trying not to die, and yet you thought my social skills were of paramount importance?

Of course, I can’t vent every ill thing you’ve ever done to me, this letter would be longer then War and Peace.

In any case. There is no understanding to be brought. No words that could adequately convey my tangled, ugly feelings.

Only forgiveness. And love. Slowly. One day at time. Embracing the moments I think of you and smile. Facing the moments I think of you and want to cry.

“I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I instigate
And say what I don’t mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I know it’s not alright
So I’m breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit tonight”

#Wow
#LightTheWorld

Please read: